thoughts on motherhood

motherhood to me, is so many things, wrapped up in one tiny little thing, sparrow. it's waking up and starting my morning with cuddles and little whispers of  ' I love you, mama' and 'good morning, mama' as her little arms wrap around my neck. and if that sounds like the sweetest thing, it is, it really is.

it's making breakfast, even if I am ok with just having coffee. or the smell of eggs makes me throw up (thank you pregnancy). this morning while we shared blackberries on the couch (for our mid morning snack), sparrow insisted on sitting in my lap and in the midst of me being uncomfortable - being 5 months pregnant will do that do you. she grabbed my face, gave me a big slobbery kiss and said 'thank you for making me breakfast, mama'. seriously, I can't.get.enough.

it's never going to the bathroom alone, and slipping on bath toys that are scattered throughout the tub every time you take a shower. and looking down and crying and being sad that there will one day be a day, where my bathroom will be perfectly clean and I will be without littles wanting to sit in my lap while I pee.

it's cleaning up the same little messes over and over, currently I have three alphabet puzzles scattered throughout my living room, and a bag of hand-me-downs (that I either really need to just put in my trunk or just do a midnight drop off at my friends house) that is being dumped out for 'dress up' time. but, there is also rejoicing, that all those little days of talking and showing how to clean up after ourselves, and singing 'clean up, clean up, everyone, everywhere' I am finally reaping some of that planting. my little sparrow loves to help, loves to help cook, and chop veggies, fold clothes, and do dishes. and sometimes I have to stop and just look at her, really look at her.

it's have a little toddler, and being so proud of who they are becoming, and amazed at all they can do by themselves - and feeling a little sad that you are missing so much and it's going too fast. the days feel so slow sometimes, and you feel a little desperate for bedtime to be here already or counting the minutes for when daddy will be home, and you wake up and realize I don't have a chubby cheeked newborn anymore. I have a little person who talks to me, sings me songs, kisses my belly, goes to the bathroom by herself (and wants privacy - the irony isn't lost on me), gets herself dressed, and climbs into her car seat and won't have it any other way.

it's missing lunch dates and phone dates with friends because your little one ran off with your phone to hide it. and they are really good at hiding it. it's feeling lonely, but also desperate to be alone. even if it's just 5 minutes. it's hating the question, 'how was your day'? because, really? you can't explain in words what when on in a day or how it went.

it's feeling overwhelmed by your endless tasks, that there isn't enough time in the day to do everything that you want. I want the laundry done and a clean house, but more importantly I want to spend time with sparrow. I want to play with her, kiss her and hug her, paint pictures (and teach her about colors + shapes), read stories, go on walks, show her beauty, teach her about love and kindness. so most days, I sacrifice what I want - a clean home. and so sometimes at the end of a day, it sort of looks like 'what have I done all day' - I really can't answer that.

motherhood is spending your days for the benefit of another. giving and giving and really learning what unconditional love and sacrificial love is. it's becoming the hands and feet of jesus. not because I am better than most, but because motherhood forces you into the beauty of those two things. you lay down your life for another. motherhood is hard, there are days where it is filled with sorrow and tears, but there is joy. a hope in this thing motherhood that I am learning. it's a planting season and one day I will reap all that I have sown. motherhood is investing in something that is eternal.