christmas morning

we stayed home, again, just like last year. home. it still sounds weird. my turn to pick up the pieces, and try my hardest to make things wonderful. and magical. and filled with christmas spirit. choose the memories my children walk away with. to redeem things. christmas is hard, and lonely, and i feel out of place during this season. but i don't want it to be that way. i want it to be light and burden free, and i want my children to experience something different.

i know my mama tried, so full of hope and excitement, her enthusiasm can be contagious - if you've ever met her you would know. but, there are aches that run deep when brokenness is involved. estrangement that runs a few states long. and silence. nothing like christmas, to make the silence echo. a household without a father, is like a ship without anchor. you never feel rooted enough, wanted enough, loved enough.

and so i buy candles. and hang advent calendars. homemade cinnamon rolls fresh out of the oven. something i never quite had growing up. filling our days with winter crafts and baking cookies for neighbors and friends. and trying really hard to take a family photo for christmas cards. and decorating a real christmas tree. and hanging garland - live garland. all around the apartment. our home.

dad leading a christmas devotion and worship, dad leading his family. in the way of the truth and spirit. it is beautiful to watch and fills me with grief and thankfulness. it's hard to explain what redemption does to your heart. you watch the bridge put back together, and you see two beautiful girls that could be fatherless too, but their not. their not like you. and your filled with overwhelming gratitude. that's what forgiveness can do. that's what humbleness is, receiving something you never deserved.

and this christmas morning, was so sweet. we were awoken to two little ones laughing and ready. anticipating their gifts, from Jesus, as sparrow says. we still laugh at her logic, Jesus dresses up as santa and gives presents to everyone! we haven't quite figured out how to explain christmas, yes, we tell her about Jesus' birth and all that encompasses. God coming as a little baby, to live like one of us, to die for us, and to be resurrected to save us. it isn't lost on her, i learn from her - the quiet reassurance of faith like a child. i want to be more like her. but, when we are surrounded by a loud culture - it gets a little confusing, santa and elves everywhere {i am not against the belief in santa at all}, it's hard cultivating the true meaning of christmas. and so we are still learning how to chart these waters with little ones, giving grace to ourselves when we fail.

my husband loves that we stay home with our little family. and i am learning to find my way. it's taken a few years to dry off from dipping too far in the river of grief, bitterness, of jealousy. to realize that God really does set the lonely in families. and i am not just talking about marriage and babies, although both of those have been heavenly gifts that i never knew to ask for. but, he gives us to each other and to himself. to find mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters, that are not our own. healing comes from odd places, believe me, one day i will be brave enough to share my whole story in this space. but, I've received joy from sorrow, and my life has become beauty from ashes. it's really his story, God is the one writing it. and the more i lean into him and his ways, the trusting is easier, the grief is lighter, and the burdens are no more. and the more i love christmas. it's a joy to celebrate with my husband and little ones. because it isn't about me at all, it's about a little tiny baby born in a manger. who all along has been in the business of rescuing. rescuing me. and you.

a glimpse into our christmas eve

{just a few photos from our christmas eve morning}

{every year for christmas eve breakfast, chris' mama would make the same breakfast casserole, and since i knew we wouldn't be traveling home for christmas, i lovingly obliged to try my hand at it - albeit a bit healthier of a version. have to admit, it was pretty tasty, and just might be sticking around}

{homemade granola gifted from my sweet friend brittany, plain yogurt, and pears drizzled with raw honey}

{my tiny little foodie, she is the happiest when food is involved}

{i just couldn't resist these matching dresses. this was right before we headed to a beautiful christmas eve service, three local churches congregated together in worship. and although, i love, love my small intimate house church - these are the moments when i crave a little tradition. so we just kinda hopped on in. hoped no one cared too much. the music and the message were both so genuine, powerful yet simple, just lifted the veil a bit, to let me see the truth and beauty of Christ's  birth.} 

{carrying on a little tradition i grew up with, opening a gift on christmas eve. matching pajamas of course! we added a little touch - the girls also received, a charlie brown christmas, and we all enjoyed hot cocoa and one of those giant bins of popcorn while we settled in for the night, anticipating christmas morning}

apple pie recipe

i know that my love of pie and constant expression of it my teeter into obsession, and maybe some of you are tired of hearing it? I hope not. there is just something about a warm pie out of the oven, it just does something to my soul. it nourishes it and makes everything seem better. it quiets me. i don't really know when i fell in love with the kitchen and all things cooking. or baking for that matter. but, i love cooking and baking and even inviting people over spontaneously to share a meal or dessert. it's truly a happy place for me.

so naturally when things are feeling out of place - or even in this current season, where there is just this under current of suffering that just won't shake. I find myself in the kitchen, longing to whip up something - that is warm, inviting, and something that can be shared. and there is just something to slowing down and taking the time to bake a pie. a.whole.pie.from.scratch. i don't feel rushed or crowded or pulled in every direction. i feel connected and slow, and i want that everyday. but, especially during advent. i really {we} really try to be intentional about observing, and it's the hardest season for me, i feel the weight of brokenness from my family and childhood, and the longing to see humanity truly reconciled, and the truth of it all starting in a humble manger with a tiny babe. it's painfully beautiful, raw, and humbling, and i hate the feeling of it passing me by so quickly, i want to linger in this space.

so maybe your feeling a little disconnected, lonely or heavy hearted with weariness that goes to the bone. here is my recipe for a apple pie, invite a trusted friend over or be extra brave and invite that new neighbor over. or maybe your the *new* neighbor, take a slice on over. trust me, it's a sure way to make a new friend. and keep an old one. share your joy and your burdens. i'm not saying pie is a cure all, but maybe it is. i mean wine.pie.laugher.{and sleep.} okay, and i good cry.

{apple pie recipe}
7 cups of  peeled, cored, and chopped apples {I like to use the granny smith variety}
1 1/2 tsp of cinnamon
1/2 tsp of ginger
1/4 tsp of nutmeg
1/3 c sugar
zest of half a lemon + juice of one lemon
1 1/2 tablespoons of cornstarch
2 tbs of butter sliced into tiny pieces
1 egg or a bit of milk {to make a little wash to brush the top of the crust to make it nice and pretty and golden.}
also this pie crust recipe. trust me. just make it.

okaaaayyyy. ya ready!
peel, core, and slice your apples. put them in a large mixing bowl, add spices, sugar, lemon zest + juice, and cornstarch. let sit for 10-15 minutes. {preheat your oven to 400 f}

divide your two prepared pie crust into two parts, one slightly larger than the other. roll the larger pie crust and place it into the pie dish. now, roll the smaller one loosely into a rectangle and cut into 1'' strips - for a lattice top. pour apples into pie dish and top with slices of butter. lattice your strips of pie crust, then brush with an egg wash {egg + water} or milk and sprinkle sugar on top.

bake at 400 f {for 30 minutes} then decrease to 375 f  {for 30-35 more minutes}. let cool for at least an hour before serving. now you have all three meals of the day covered, but don't forget to share!

christmas and little traditions

I have always loved the smell and feeling of a real christmas tree. growing up we never had one, supposedly my mama was allergic. but, i am still not truly convinced of that. so in our first year of marriage - our first christmas together - mind you before there were any littles running around, I convinced chris to get a real christmas tree with me. to my surprise, he never got a real one growing up either. so we got a little charlie brown tree.{our first christmas here}

and so our tradition began. if it was up to me, I would have the tree up by thanksgiving, but my husband is bit of a separatist when it comes to holidays. and honestly, i am starting to love it too. to fully celebrate thanksgiving and gratitude all month, and allow the waiting and tension of christmas to build. so on the first sunday of advent, we get our real christmas tree, I make homemade hot cocoa and cookies, and we all decorate the tree together. for as long as their attention span will allow. I just love it - and having our littles celebrate with us, makes it so much better.

so keeping with tradition, on the first sunday of advent, we got our real christmas tree. and it's something we look forward to every year, I just love this time of year. I made homemade hot cocoa and cookies, and pull out all of our christamas decorations, and we go to town. and i just can't stop listening to the she + him christmas album. this year juniper was old enough to participate, and oh my goodness it was darling to see her face light up with excitement over the tree. she kept giving it kisses and of course had more fun putting up and taking down the same ornament over and over. so precious. we basically just have lots of lights, homemade ornaments that sparrow has made or some from my childhood, and we've started getting one new ornament a year - usually from anthropologie because they always come out with the most darling ones. so our collection is slowly building, but I just love it.

the girls also get their own little tree to decorate in their room, we started this a couple of years ago with sparrow, and now juniper gets to join in! sparrow is so proud that she gets to pick her own tree out and can choose which ornaments to decorate with. she usually picks lots of candy canes and yarn.

i didn't grow up in a super traditional home filled with lots of specific traditions - we did have some, like wearing matching pajamas on christmas eve, and also getting to open one gift. but, it's something over the years me and chris have had lots of conversations about. what traditions do we want to keep that come from our childhoods and which ones would we like to cultivate in our own family. we don't have them all totally figured out, and most have just kind of happened organically. but, my favorite is doing advent as a family. neither one of us grew up doing advent, and so this is something we have been intentional about doing together every year. right now in this season of little ones, we keep it simple, it usually involves a little craft and scripture. we also have a nativity that sparrow helps set up and we use it as a visual story guide. but, i love being intentional and carving out time each evening to let go of empty busyness, choose joy and contentment, and receive the true gift of christmas. and to help give eyes to my children to see the truth and depth of why we celebrate. we give gifts because he first loved us and gave himself as a gift to us.