christmas morning

we stayed home, again, just like last year. home. it still sounds weird. my turn to pick up the pieces, and try my hardest to make things wonderful. and magical. and filled with christmas spirit. choose the memories my children walk away with. to redeem things. christmas is hard, and lonely, and i feel out of place during this season. but i don't want it to be that way. i want it to be light and burden free, and i want my children to experience something different.

i know my mama tried, so full of hope and excitement, her enthusiasm can be contagious - if you've ever met her you would know. but, there are aches that run deep when brokenness is involved. estrangement that runs a few states long. and silence. nothing like christmas, to make the silence echo. a household without a father, is like a ship without anchor. you never feel rooted enough, wanted enough, loved enough.

and so i buy candles. and hang advent calendars. homemade cinnamon rolls fresh out of the oven. something i never quite had growing up. filling our days with winter crafts and baking cookies for neighbors and friends. and trying really hard to take a family photo for christmas cards. and decorating a real christmas tree. and hanging garland - live garland. all around the apartment. our home.

dad leading a christmas devotion and worship, dad leading his family. in the way of the truth and spirit. it is beautiful to watch and fills me with grief and thankfulness. it's hard to explain what redemption does to your heart. you watch the bridge put back together, and you see two beautiful girls that could be fatherless too, but their not. their not like you. and your filled with overwhelming gratitude. that's what forgiveness can do. that's what humbleness is, receiving something you never deserved.

and this christmas morning, was so sweet. we were awoken to two little ones laughing and ready. anticipating their gifts, from Jesus, as sparrow says. we still laugh at her logic, Jesus dresses up as santa and gives presents to everyone! we haven't quite figured out how to explain christmas, yes, we tell her about Jesus' birth and all that encompasses. God coming as a little baby, to live like one of us, to die for us, and to be resurrected to save us. it isn't lost on her, i learn from her - the quiet reassurance of faith like a child. i want to be more like her. but, when we are surrounded by a loud culture - it gets a little confusing, santa and elves everywhere {i am not against the belief in santa at all}, it's hard cultivating the true meaning of christmas. and so we are still learning how to chart these waters with little ones, giving grace to ourselves when we fail.

my husband loves that we stay home with our little family. and i am learning to find my way. it's taken a few years to dry off from dipping too far in the river of grief, bitterness, of jealousy. to realize that God really does set the lonely in families. and i am not just talking about marriage and babies, although both of those have been heavenly gifts that i never knew to ask for. but, he gives us to each other and to himself. to find mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters, that are not our own. healing comes from odd places, believe me, one day i will be brave enough to share my whole story in this space. but, I've received joy from sorrow, and my life has become beauty from ashes. it's really his story, God is the one writing it. and the more i lean into him and his ways, the trusting is easier, the grief is lighter, and the burdens are no more. and the more i love christmas. it's a joy to celebrate with my husband and little ones. because it isn't about me at all, it's about a little tiny baby born in a manger. who all along has been in the business of rescuing. rescuing me. and you.

mother's day

on my first official mama's day, my heart was overflowing with love and pride. i was on cloud nine the entire day, as my husband layed on the sweetness extra thick and honored my journey into motherhood in the sweetest way. i awoke to homemade cards, letters, breakfast, and many kisses from both of my loves.

papa bird planned a day of adventure and even a photoshoot for our family of three. we headed to the same spot where we had some of our maternity photos taken, built a similar boho fort, and had a blast adding our little bird to the scene.

this place has become sacred to my heart, a little treasure that i will always bury deep inside my soul. i anticipate as years pass, and more little birds join our nest - we will be returning to this magical place. to capture the essence, joy, love, and connectedness of our growing family.

i have had many adventures.

i have gone hiking on some of the most beautiful mountains.
i have been to many musical festivals. and danced in the rain.
i have swam in the coldest ocean.
i have gone fishing.
i have seen a pink dolphin.
i have snowboarded in banff, canada.
i have gotten to ride horses. even while pregnant.
i have crowd surfed.
i have been to peru.
i have wished upon falling stars.
i have taught art to 300 hundred middle schoolers in lima.
i have been to machu pichu. and witnessed many americans seeking healing from a famous shaman.
i have gone canoeing on the amazon river. and almost lost my life.
i have swam with sea lions.
i have been para sailing over st.john.
i have volunteered in an orphanage in india. witnessed tremendous courage and sacrifice. and my heart fell for 200 beautiful souls.
i have been camping in the woods.
i have experienced an eco-tour, including hiking, kayaking, and snorkeling with the most colorful fish and massive sting rays.
i have worked with disabled children in mexico who were abandoned by their parents.
i have stayed in xilitla - a remote mountain village, met people with such beauty, and encountered the magical place known as las pozas - extraordinary surreal architecture designed by artist edward james.
i have sailed all across lake taxoma. and even met ross perot.
i have been to st.thomas. and ate the best ceasar salad i have ever had.
i have (and continue to) help girls come out of sex trafficking.
i have lived with many beautiful girls and had too many dance parties to count.
i have made the best homemade ice cream in georgia with my nana.
i have been a waitress, proffesional ice cream scooper, and personal stylist.
i have moved out on my own to pursue my dreams.
i have designed murals, kitchen backsplashes, and even worked in an art gallery in dallas.
i have been a  photographer for a dance company.
i have worked for my dream company-anthropologie.
i have zip-lined through forests.
i have done graffati on trains.
i have stayed in a hostel in chicago.
i have gone ice skating over a frozen lake. in canada.
i have stood by my best friend as she commited herself to the man of her dreams.
i have been cliff jumping.
i have traveled by train. alone. and with friends.
i have road-tripped to california with one of my best friends.
i have married the love of my life. the man i met when i was 16.

and now, i have sparrow. the best adventure yet.

Christmas

our christmas this year was lovely. this was the first year that we hosted, my family came from austin to our charming house, i cooked an entire christmas meal all by myself, and we even had a real charlie brown christmas tree! but, this was also the first year that christopher did not spend with his family - and his mom and little sister paige called a little teary-eyed to wish us a merry christmas. we are trying to figure out our holidays and traditions and balancing all of our families - and what we want to cultivate in our own family once littles come. this year both me and christopher had to work on christmas eve, but not too late, my family came early that morning and we all went thrifting and had lunch with christopher before i had to be at work. and i was off work and home by evening, to enjoy some quality time with my loved ones. my family always gets excited about presents and like usual we ended up opening all of our presents on christmas eve! it was so crazy! christopher had never done that growing up and i think it made him a little sad. so christmas morning we all slept in, had waffles and eggs for breakfast, and then i got to work cooking christmas dinner. i made a baked herb chicken with all the yummy spices, i also made a ham with brown sugar glaze, homemade mash potatoes, broccoli casserole, and black berry cobbler for dessert! there was so much laughter and silly tickle fights, cuddles while watching movies, a thankful dinner, and then we all played soccer at our local park! it was such a beautiful day!

love,
meg

today christopher opened his email
and there was a plane ticket for me
to Durango, Co!

I get to see Paige!

my flight isn't for another 2 weeks, but, i am still so excited and so thankful to be able to go and be with her during this difficult time.

oh, and i have so many ideas brewing to make the most of it!

thank you poppi!

update on paige!

last night we talked to Paige and she sounded so so much better than the first day. she actually stood up and grew about 3 inches! she is as tall as Christopher's mom now, and of course taller than me. that girl is such a trooper, the nurse came in and told her to sit up and tears just fell down her face because of the pain, so she had to lay back down again. But, being the determined lady she is, about 2 hours later she wanted to try again, and actually stood up for one whole minute! we are so proud of you Paige!

four times today, as part of her rehabilitation, she has to walk to a chair and sit down in it. before she is released from the hospital, she has to walk up and down a flight of stairs and she has to walk up and down the hall of the nurses station. Paige will be getting discharged either Monday or Tuesday, please continue to pray for healing, endurance and strength as she continues her rehabilitation, and that God would continue to use this to reveal himself to Paige and everyone else.

We Love you Paige!

Please know that you are cherished by us and that we wish from the bottom of our hearts that we could be there with you right now as you endure these things. You are always on our hearts and we are praying for you.

love,

m

as of right now, little Paige,
Christopher's beautiful baby sister
who isn't little in character or courage
is having back surgery for scoliosis,

taking her s-shaped back and reconstructing it
with the use of metal rods
she was diagnosed a couple of years ago
and went through trials of different back braces
that were uncomfortable and limiting without feat
so the doctor's have decided that this is the best thing for Paige
the surgery is 4 hours long, and
she will be in ICU for 4-5 days
with months of rehabilitation to come

Paige, has a beautiful quiet soul
with more strength than most I know
a boldness to overcome obstacles
without even a hint of complaint departing her lips

this is something she has wanted for over a year
and has been a long time coming
and, we believe the goodness of the Lord,
that His hand is in this, not leaving us alone in the dark
that His light is guiding us to places of healing and
of refuge for the road ahead

so if you think of her
please say a little prayer
for a quick healing without complications or infection
and that her heart, mind, and body
would be abundant in strength
and that the peace that surpasses all understanding
would consume us all

we love you Paige and are in continuous prayer for you

love,
m

to my mother

 Because I feel that in the heavens above
The angels, whispering one to another,
Can find among their burning tears of love,
None so devotional as that of "Mother,"
Therefore, by that dear name I have long called you,
You who are more than mother unto me.
-Edgar Allan Poe

mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. -Erich Fromm

A mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled. -Emily Dickinson

Happy Mothers Day Mama, how I longed to be in Austin on this day to hug you and tell you in person that I love you, and to tell you thank you. Thank you for all the sacrifices that you have have made for me, thank you for the endless love you have shown, so deep and so wide, even at times when I was ungrateful or to stubborn to see all that you were doing for me. Thank you for teaching me how to stand and to be strong and that it's okay not to have all the answers or to have everything figured out, that God is the one with all the answers and in his time will reveal those to us. Thank you for showing me how to sew and allowing me the freedom to be creative in all areas of my life, especially how I dressed as a child. Thank you for working all those years just to make ends meet, and putting yourself through school, and through that showing me that it's not too late to turn around. It's not too late to make positive changes. Thank you for letting me go, and wander off in the world finding my own, and supporting the choices I have made. Thank you for loving my husband. I more than anything, just want to say thank you for loving me. I love you Mom.
Love,
Meg