christmas morning

we stayed home, again, just like last year. home. it still sounds weird. my turn to pick up the pieces, and try my hardest to make things wonderful. and magical. and filled with christmas spirit. choose the memories my children walk away with. to redeem things. christmas is hard, and lonely, and i feel out of place during this season. but i don't want it to be that way. i want it to be light and burden free, and i want my children to experience something different.

i know my mama tried, so full of hope and excitement, her enthusiasm can be contagious - if you've ever met her you would know. but, there are aches that run deep when brokenness is involved. estrangement that runs a few states long. and silence. nothing like christmas, to make the silence echo. a household without a father, is like a ship without anchor. you never feel rooted enough, wanted enough, loved enough.

and so i buy candles. and hang advent calendars. homemade cinnamon rolls fresh out of the oven. something i never quite had growing up. filling our days with winter crafts and baking cookies for neighbors and friends. and trying really hard to take a family photo for christmas cards. and decorating a real christmas tree. and hanging garland - live garland. all around the apartment. our home.

dad leading a christmas devotion and worship, dad leading his family. in the way of the truth and spirit. it is beautiful to watch and fills me with grief and thankfulness. it's hard to explain what redemption does to your heart. you watch the bridge put back together, and you see two beautiful girls that could be fatherless too, but their not. their not like you. and your filled with overwhelming gratitude. that's what forgiveness can do. that's what humbleness is, receiving something you never deserved.

and this christmas morning, was so sweet. we were awoken to two little ones laughing and ready. anticipating their gifts, from Jesus, as sparrow says. we still laugh at her logic, Jesus dresses up as santa and gives presents to everyone! we haven't quite figured out how to explain christmas, yes, we tell her about Jesus' birth and all that encompasses. God coming as a little baby, to live like one of us, to die for us, and to be resurrected to save us. it isn't lost on her, i learn from her - the quiet reassurance of faith like a child. i want to be more like her. but, when we are surrounded by a loud culture - it gets a little confusing, santa and elves everywhere {i am not against the belief in santa at all}, it's hard cultivating the true meaning of christmas. and so we are still learning how to chart these waters with little ones, giving grace to ourselves when we fail.

my husband loves that we stay home with our little family. and i am learning to find my way. it's taken a few years to dry off from dipping too far in the river of grief, bitterness, of jealousy. to realize that God really does set the lonely in families. and i am not just talking about marriage and babies, although both of those have been heavenly gifts that i never knew to ask for. but, he gives us to each other and to himself. to find mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters, that are not our own. healing comes from odd places, believe me, one day i will be brave enough to share my whole story in this space. but, I've received joy from sorrow, and my life has become beauty from ashes. it's really his story, God is the one writing it. and the more i lean into him and his ways, the trusting is easier, the grief is lighter, and the burdens are no more. and the more i love christmas. it's a joy to celebrate with my husband and little ones. because it isn't about me at all, it's about a little tiny baby born in a manger. who all along has been in the business of rescuing. rescuing me. and you.